Sunday, January 21, 2007

Enter Civilisation II

I’ve wanted to write everyday – for writing is nothing short of being one of my closest passions since god knows when. That is, however, an ideal. And in this world full of imperfections that are waiting to be recognized via close scrutiny, ideals remain ideals until they are worked on. That is hence my reason for my blog’s lack of entries and whatnot.

Moving ahead, as I’ve been moving on with life a lot, I’d just like to let everybody know that I’m currently working as a freelance camp instructor. And of course, this entry was very much spurred on by my limited but highly fruit job experience in this industry.

At the most general and basic level, I lead groups to do various activities ranging from high elements etc, all of which possesses the most fundamental undercurrent which is to hype up the kids, and all of which serves the purpose of letting my kids have fun and enjoy the camp.

Enough of cliché nonsense, and more onto business. (PS: at this point in time I’m getting a little pissy cause my writing has deteriorated tremendously.)

My job experience has been tremendously fruitful not only because it is in line with my passion to serve others via teaching, but also because it is highly satisfying. And I say that with much conviction that comes straight from an earnest heart.

There is nothing more satisfying than seeing your kids growing up in 3D2N – no doubt about that. However, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing yourself grow along with them. Being in several camps throughout the month has taught me to be a lot more appreciative of the things around me. For the first time in my life, I look forward to going home not because I miss my bed or my shower facilities, but more so because I’m worried about what I’ve missed out in civilization while I was out in the woods. Maybe it isn’t exactly a form of ‘looking forward’, but the sense of urgency was definite. It is a scary thought thinking how you would just go home realizing that something bad has happened to one of your closed ones. And to compound that, you weren’t there at all to receive the news at first hand, nor attend to it. The taste of that feeling remains a paradox to me even as I’m writing now – I’m not sure if that’s a blessing in disguise or vice versa. All in all, the sense of appreciation that has been instilled, installed and drilled into my kids has ironically been counter-balanced on my side. Such is the highly cliché and cheesy nonsense that I feel all the time. But, these feelings are nevertheless true to the very last word.

And I do have to admit to myself that I feel so lonely at times. I really do. Whenever I come back from camps, I sense the cloud of purposeless-ness hanging around my head. The air smells vile, stale and stoic, and the sense of wanting to go back to conduct more camps is highly, highly urgent. It’s times like these that I look back and think about the times I was attached, times when there was someone to live for, to be lived for; to care for, and to be cared for. Such a person is missing in my life for many, many months, and I really despise this sense of want and need. At times like these in the past, it was not soon after before I began to find a companion.

Whether it was hurried or not, I’m not sure really. The only thing I was sure of, was that at that moment when I uttered and felt the words ‘I Love You’, I did truly meant them. As Conrad once wrote: We live in the flicker – may it last as long as the old earth keeps rolling. It took me so damned much of pondering and consideration before I felt that life is nothing but the compound of several precious moments. Moments that never last, but come as real as they can when they do. More often than not, they may disappear in a flicker, but they will always leave their footprints forever. And it is these moments that I’ve decided to live for, to love, and to be loved.

But similarly, I’ve grown sick and tired of relationships. Whilst being the source of precious memorable moments, the lure of platonic friendships retain their stronger sense of appeal albeit implicit.

I have not trying to pen an essay of glorified desperation. I have merely been affirming my life of bachelorhood. My life of moments.

posted@6:07 PM

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